“As artificial as its inseminations.”

The New York Times print edition’s daily television listings feel like an artifact from my childhood, when watching television was a family activity, and we saved the Austin American-Statesman’s weekly television listings, hoarding them until they inevitably went missing mid-week, causing a mild household crisis. But I digress.

Anyway, hidden within the tiny blocks of time that make up the Times television listings, are the most sharply insightful, unintentionally hilarious movie reviews. I discovered this today while idly picking through a two-week old copy of the Times.

Save the Last Dance (2000). White teenage ballerina transfers to inner-city school. Guess who’s coming to hip-hop class.

Rio 2 (2014). Voice of Jesse Eisenberg. Animated. Macaws journey to Amazon. Exhausting tropical kaleidoscope.

Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003). Bride attacked on wedding day wakes up from coma and seeks revenge, Tarantino style. Blood bath & beyond.

The Lone Ranger (2013). Johnny Depp. Masked lawman and laconic Indian fight bad guys. Makes no sense, kemo sabe.

Delivery Man (2013). Vince Vaughn, Chris Pratt. Sperm donor’s kids sue to learn his identity. As artificial as its inseminations.

Tooth Fairy (2010). Dwayne Johnson, Ashley Judd. Hockey player sentenced to be tooth fairy. Ouch.

This is all real. Very real. I can’t get enough of these.

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